The Odd Couple: The Fourth Season brings us another 22 episodes of the best damn sitcom that wasn’t overplayed in syndication. The set up is simple with two roommates clashing over their lifestyle choices. Felix (Tony Randall) is an anal retentive, neatfreak. Oscar (Jack Klugman) is a blissful slob. Can they survive in a single Manhattan apartment or is the set up for a True Crime special. This fourth season brings quite a few guest stars. My childhood idol Wolfman Jack appears in “The Songwriter” while Oscar is giving his mallet to The Gong Show’s Jaye P. Morgan. “The Exorcists” has Felix swearing their air conditioner is possessed by a trapped spirit. Victor Buono (King Tut from Batman) has to help them release the ghost. “The Pig Who Came to Dinner” brings us Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs during their tennis match hype. “One for the Bunny” has Hugh Hefner playing himself when he was merely middle-aged. Felix is hired to photograph the Playboy Centerfold. The Fourth Season proves that The Odd Couple wasn’t even close to jumping the shark. Bring on the fifth and final season boxset.
Hawaii Five-O: The Fourth Season shows us how Steve McGarrett kept the law in the tropical paradise. Mostly by intimidating them with his bold haircut. This was the final season of the original Five-O crew since Det. Kono Kalakaua (played by Zulu) was “transfered out” of the unit. This might be the worst career move in showbiz. Hawaii Five-0 continued for eight more seasons and Zulu didn’t have to do too much heavy lifting to pick up that paycheck. His final shift proved to be exciting with plenty of major crimes mixed with a few outlandish investigations. There’s a major science fiction storyline in the two-part “The Ninety-Second War.” The evil Wo Fat has made a “clone” McGarrett as part of a fiendish plan. The guest cast includes Roger C. Carmel (Star Trek’s Harvey Mudd), Tim O’Connor (Buck Rogers in the 25th Century’s Dr. Huer) and Donald Pleasence (You Only Live Twice’s Blofeld). McGarrett also keeps the mob out of Hawaii in “No Bottles....No Cans....No People.” You just don’t mess with the Five-O.
The Fugitive: Season Two, Volume One continues the greatest man hunt in television history. Dr. Richard Kimble (David Janssen) stays one step ahead of Lt. Gerard (Barry Morse). Kimble isn’t merely fleeing from the law, but searching for the one-armed man who really killed Kimble’s wife. The highlight of the 15 episodes on this collection is “Escape Into Black.” The recently departed Ivan Dixon (Kinch on Hogan’s Heroes) plays a doctor treating Kimble. He recognizes Kimble and thinks his fellow physician is guilty. A social worker at the hospital thinks he’s innocent. They battle over the fate of the woozy-headed Kimble. The One-Armed Man also appears in the story.
7th Heaven: The Sixth Season is perfect viewing for when Ned Flanders drops by the estate. The only reason I even remember this show is Jessica Biel. Judging from my encounters with minister’s daughters, I was expecting this show to have been a Showtime sensation. But she’s not nearly as hedonistic as my realities. For Season Six of the 7th, she moves back with her preaching father (Stephen Collins).
Holocaust was a major mini-series and now its out with a 30th Anniversary edition. The nearly 8 hour long show follows the Weiss family from their happy lives in Berlin to the concentration camps. The miniseries brought the Holocaust into the national dialogue when people spoke about World War II. A very young Meryle Streep and James Woods bring this chilling time to celluloid.
National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets is better than the original for only one reason: Helen Mirren. What is it about Helen Mirren that makes me think she could lure me into a cave beneath Mount Rushmore? Nicolas Cage has to prove his great grandfather didn’t help kill Abraham Lincoln. He must find the mythical city of gold that supposedly the presidents have been hiding from us. Helen Mirren plays his mom who can read an ancient language.
Indiana Jones: The Adventure Collection is a new boxset of the first three films that’s out just in time for the new Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie. You can get each of the films separately. This means you can skip over Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Even after all these years, the film is such an amazing letdown. Raiders of the Lost Ark rocks. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is fun by merely having Sean Connery play Indy’s dad. They produced new documentaries for the DVDs. The best is an examination of the melting faces from Raiders.
Ringside Rivalries takes you back to that time when boxing was bigger than mixed martial arts. I can’t get into the whole UFC business because the two guys in the cage wearing those baggy swim suits remind me of drunk guys at the beach rough housing. Every time I turn on the UFC show on Spike, it’s two guys dry humping each other into submission. When I tune in for bloodsport, there’s no need to show me hardcore cuddling. Give me nostalgic boxing for power, pounding and personality. That’s what this DVD set does. Ringside Rivalries contains bouts featuring Jack Dempsey, Joe Louis, Rocky Graziano, Muhamad Ali and Joe Fraizer. Burt Randolph Sugar and his crew of experts establish the context and breakdown the various fights. Fans of Raging Bull should rejoice at the complete Jake LaMotta vs. Sugar Ray Robinson in Chicago fight. Admire what Martin Scorsese recreated. There’s even vintage footage of Rocky Graziano breaking down the fight. For fans of Ali, there’s the complete Thrilla in Manila battle against Joe Fraizer.
Strange Wilderness would have been a really great SciFi Channel original movie. A nature show is about to get canceled so the stoner crew pursue Bigfoot to capture ratings gold. The film gets bonus points for starring Ernest Borgnine and Joe Don Baker. McHale and Mitchell are a dynamic duo. You know what this film is missing? Pauly Shore. The comedy comes up a little short unless you get as stoned as the guy from the “I’m a Mac” commercials. This reminds me of MTV’s Wild Boyz. This one will be competing with Shrimp on the Barbie for time slots on Comedy Central.
Mission: Impossible: The Fourth TV Season has Leonard Nimoy replacing Martin Landau as the master of disguise and magic tricks. Straight off the set of Star Trek, Nimoy attempts to overcome his old Spock haircut. They also had to replace Landau’s wife, Barbara Bain. Shame they didn’t use Lee Meriwether more in their revolving cast of female agents. The producers attempted to twist around the series by not having everything go according to Mr. Phelps’ plans. They even have a three part adventure. No matter what you think of the writing quality, this fourth season is better than all three of Tom Cruise’s Mission: Impossible movies.
Ballroom Bootcamp is TLC’s Dancing Without The Stars. Three couples intensively train to fancy dance for a competition. The bonus features include lessons on how to Jive, Cha-Cha, Waltz, Tango and Rhumba. It’s a sweet gift for your partner if they just can’t stop watching those dancing shows. Get off the couch and show me your Passa Doble!
Muppet Show: The Complete Third Season has Liberace!!!! Can there be any greater reason to rush out and embrace this boxset? The greatest variety show of the ‘70s hit its stride on these discs. Major stars were begging for a chance to show off their song and dance skills with the felt and furry. The big names include Sylvester Stallone, Roy Rogers, Loretta Lynn, Alice Cooper, Roy Clark and Gilda Radner. Raquel Welch’s opening number may inflict drooling. She is in her prime and slinking around in a very revealing outfit. Fozzie Bear won’t be the only one tongue-tied.
Kenny the Shark, Volume 3: Catch a Wave sets a dangerous mindset that somehow a tiger shark can make a sweet family pet. This is an animated kids show that wants you to forget the lessons of Jaws. Remind your children that this is only a cartoon and they should never bring back stray sharks from the beach. Even if they don’t eat your family, they’ll cost a fortune in meat for their lunch. Does Purina make a Shark Chow?
Walk All Over Me promises Leelee Sobieski in a corset. Sold! Grandma knows what she’ll be getting for Christmas this year. Unfortunately this is not merely Leelee strutting around in fetish latex for two hours. There’s a crime and double crossed loot. Poor Leelee finds herself in the middle of this chaos. Everyone thinks she’s holding the bag. The movie could have been so much better if it just focused Leelee becoming a full-time domme. What’s wrong with an old fashioned Education of Mistress Leelee flick? If you can stomach the crime plot, you’ll be pleased with her time in heels.
Gomer Pyle USMC The Fourth Season is the year Duke went AWOL. But when Gomer loses a barracks buddy, he gains a girlfriend in crappy voiced Lou Ann. Will this woman bust up the unspoken bond between Gomer and Sgt. Carter? This season is best known for when Gomer goes to Washington D.C. to deliver a knock out performance of The Impossible Dream in his dress blues. Grandma loved that episode. There’s only one more season of Gomer left to be released. So get too watching, maggots!
The Invaders: The First Season revives this cult show that never got any syndication action in my neighborhood. After reading about Invaders hype in SciFi books for decades, I feared the major letdown that came after watching Land of the Giants and Time Tunnel on DVD. However all the gushing of The Invaders fanatics is true. This is an engrossing series. David Vincent (Roy Thinnes) is an architect who sees a UFO landing one night. He quickly discovers that aliens are in the process of taking over the Earth. He tries his hardest to expose this fact without being written off as a nutjob by the mainstream media - which is controlled by aliens. Thinnes makes the show. He looks good when he’s extra paranoid. This is a tense drama that doesn’t rely on special effects. “Vikor” has Jack Lord as an industrialist who has made a deal with the aliens.
Gunsmoke The Second Season, Volume 2 takes us back to Dodge City when it was only twenty six minutes in black and white. Here’s the final 19 episodes of the sophomore outing. “Bloody Hands” has Russell Johnson (the Professor from Gilligan’s Island) threaten Matt Dillon (James Arness) to a gunfight. This is still the time when Miss Kitty’s Saloon had an unspoken brothel upstairs. You don’t think those girls are hired to merely have drinks with the customers? The bonus features include the old cigarette promos with Arness saying, “Live Modern. Smoke L&Ms.”
Rawhide The Third Season, Volume 1 returns us to the unending cattle drive. Clint Eastwood knows how to punch them doggies. Each week the drovers ran into another adventure along the trail. “Incident at Rojo Canyon” has Julie London and Bobby Troup pop up. Guess this is how they made their way west to work on Emergency! Woody Strode (Spartacus) rides high in “Incident of the Buffalo Soldier.” Proving that hard drugs at work are not a recent phenomenon, “Incident at the Top of the World” has a new drover that’s hooked on morphine. Robert Culp (I Spy) gets extraordinarily serious in his role. Another fine batch of tails from the trail.
Cheers Season 9 has finally arrived. It’s been two years since season 8 came out. Season 9 was the year that Sam Malone regained his bar from the evil corporation. No more ferns in the best little booze joint in Beantown. “Cheers Foul Out” is my favorite of this batch. In order to win a basketball game against a rival bar, Sam suckers Kevin McHale to be a ringer on the Cheers team. The Boston Celtic great looks good and loose while exchanging lines with the cast. There’s also the whole business of Rebecca getting married to her old boss. But what about her feelings toward Sam?
Beverly Hills 90210: The Fourth Season lets the world’s oldest teenagers go to college. Brandon (Jason Priestly) turns out to be a big man on the new campus. Dylan (Luke Perry) is still a little bit troubled. This is best known for being the last full season with Brenda (Shannen Doherty). The Peach Pit gets expanded into a nightclub. Luke and Dylan’s sideburns are still sharp and impressive.
The 4400: The Fourth Season is unfortunately also the final season. In the middle of the writer’s strike, USA network canceled the show. Luckily the final episode of this season works as a finale. We’re not left completely hanging about the future with these people with super powers in control. The nice part about this boxset is plenty of Summer Glau. The wife will watch anything with Summer on the screen. It’s a shame they couldn’t just move this series over to the Sci-Fi channel, but at least it didn’t completely gas out by going a season too far.
Romulus, My Father has Eric Bana trying his best to prove Hollywood hasn’t destroyed his soul. He returns to Australia to take on the heavy role of a dad trying raise his son around his wife’s new boyfriend. Bana’s a cuckolded man. This isn’t quite a return to his master performance of Chopper. Franka Potente (Run Lola Run) doesn’t quite have enough of a devious streak for her wayward wife. This isn’t a happy film. Bana needs to do a project that lets him show his comic chops.
The Adventures of the Young Indiana Jones: Volume Three, The Years of Change arrives just in time for the fourth film. This boxset contains the final batch of TV movies elaborating on the education and experiences of Indiana Jones. There’s plenty of World War I action along with early treasure hunts. Sean Patrick Flanery shines as the young Harrison Ford during these prequels. The bonus features are as entertaining as the films. For folks who aren’t quite sure about the historic characters and events, you’ll get educated fast. Documentaries that accompany “Hollywood Follies” will appeal to fans of early films. “Erich von Stroheim - The Profligate Genius” should have been a bonus feature on Sunset Boulevard. This is a gold standard for how a TV show DVD need to be presented.
Sick Nurses brings a fetish dose of Asian nurses to the world of horror. Turns out a hospital in Thailand is doing evil things with the bodies. The young nurses on staff must pay a harsh deductible to an evil spirit. For those with a fetish for an Asian nurse on the toilet using a pregnancy test wand, you get your dream. It is nice to see that the folks in Thailand are closing the Gore-cinema gap with Japan and South Korea.
ROGER WILKOS
The Steve Wilkos Show is the best damn talkshow on TV. You might know him best as the bald head of security on The Jerry Springer Show. But he’s better than his boss when it comes to tearing into a screwed up guest. Wilkos is an ex-Chicago cop. He brings all his badge badgering skills to the show. He’s not going to take crap from any of his guests. He doesn’t back off when he senses that he can break a guest. He’s not there to make everything look pretty. He’s not Dr. Phil trying to spread cute Texan sayings as a balm for problems. “You’re damned right, I’m judging you!” Steve says. He’s a pitbull holding his own chain.
There’s no need for security lurking around the set. Although half the time it seems like a guard might be needed to keep Steve from attacking his guests. During “I Burned My Baby,” a father is accused of abusing his child including burning her with a cigarette. Steve offers a Marlboro to the father. The father acts like he’s going to burn his own arm to understand what his daughter felt. Steve extends his arm and demands the father burn his arm. It’s a fierce moment. Think Oprah would stick her arm out to prove a point? Who can top Wilkos’ intensity? How about a matching of wills between Steve and Judge Mathis?
The one thing this show lacks is a proper set. Why the post-industrial factory decay decor? Steve ought to be interviewing his guests in a confining interrogation room. We need to see these people cornered and sweating in a hotbox as Steve tears apart their denials. Forget saying that this is the best talkshow, now that The Wire is off that air: The Steve Wilkos Show is the best cop show on TV.
Steve ought to be working in the White House press corp. “You’re getting back to me, now!” he’d scream at Dana Perino’s dodge. He ought to at least get to moderate a Presidential debate. Bet we’d get some truth out of those beauty contests with Wilkos between the candidates.
TALKING IT TO NIPPON
The Japanese version of Iron Chef is now running on the Fine Living Network. I enjoy this version since they had to make meals with shark fin, eel scrotums and oyster rectums. The American version on the Food Network is too easy with secret ingredients such as Milk, hamburger and Farmer’s Market. What could Bobby Flay possibly make using hamburger? Flay needs to see if he can make walrus noses into an ice cream worthy of Joel McHale.
BLAH COMES IN PAIRS
What’s the point of the cam-mob following Paris Hilton since her hook up with the other putz from Good Charlotte? He’s unleashed her inner-snore. Of all the upward screwing she’s done over the years, she settles for a guy whose band’s rise was linked directly to a major payola scandal. Couldn’t she scrogg it up with the singer from Ugly Kid Joe?
I pride myself of only experiencing The Hills through clips shown on Best Week Ever and The Soup. But I can’t escape the faux-ality stars at the Supermarket checkout counter. Why are their million Can some explain to me why the tabloid media cares about following the exploits of this Heidi and Spencer? You could pick two random people on a subway car and turn them into more compelling celebrities than this skank duo. They’re degraded the concept of “fame whores.” The Party Favors has contacted Bob Barker to see if he’ll pay to have Heidi and Spencer spade and neutered. We’re hoping Bob will just do the job himself.
RAREST HEADLINE EVER
Man collects millions of dollars from unsolicited foreign email!
SET A COURSE TO LOVE
Congratulations goes out to Brad Altman as winner of the biggest Star Trek geek of all time. How geeky is he? He’s marrying Sulu. Are they registered at Klingon and Barrel? Only way you’re going to top Brad is to find a bigamy town that will allow you to legally hook up with Kirk and Mr. Spock with a Romulian speaking minister. You’d have to be like that gal that almost “married” Tom Arnold and Roseanne. Why did I have to bring up that image? I’m sorry - especially for those who just puked up their lunch at the vision of a threesome with Tom and Roseanne. I’ve been assured that this is a ring of Hell.
DINO DAZED
Normally I avoid watching infomercials past the three minute mark. But I’m always in it for the long haul when they run The Best of the Dean Martin Variety Show DVD offer. I’d even consider buying these DVDs if they were complete season sets and didn’t cost a small fortune after you bought each volume for $29.99. I can get the entire three seasons of Gilligan’s Island for that price if I hunt around. So these highlights from the greatest hits package will suffice for now. Any clips of Raquel Welch are welcome on my TV. But like any infomercial, there’s got to be a completely annoying element. In this case it is Regis Philbin inflicting a “from the grave duet” with Dean. Does anyone really need to be reminded that Regis sings? Must he stamp on Dean’s “Babyface?”
Monday, May 26, 2008
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Party Favors for April 30
ATLANTA - The Braves are no longer America’s team.
Two years ago TBS announced it would stop showing the Braves and carry a package of major league games on Sunday afternoons featuring American and National League teams. It didn’t seem like it would really happen. For three decades TBS and the Braves went together like the clear and the cream on Barry Bonds. This split was crazy talk. But that all changed a few Sundays ago. Catching the Cubs playing the Phillies with the TBS logo was jarring. There was no “home” team. After three decades, the world had changed. The Superstation that gave us Biff Pocoroba was officially off the air.
What really stinks is that my cable box has the Fox regional sports channel that now carries the Braves games. But those games are blacked out because we’re considered Baltimore Orioles’ territory. I want to see how Chipper Jones copes without his brother Andruw. Orioles owner Peter Angelos is an evil man. Why does anyone care about his dumpster diving squad as they battle the Tampa Bay (Devil-less) Rays?
Now that Tampa Bay wants to be called the Rays, shouldn’t they be legally obligated to have at least two guys named Ray on the squad?
The highlight of this baseball season so far is the rise of Hank Steinbrenner. For the last few years, the Yankees front office has been as silent as a mortuary. Reporters have been buffing up their obits for George Steinbrenner and collecting their “I remember the time George.....” columns for that special edition. We haven’t seen the elderly George losing his temper in the owner’s box since he’s been in hiding down in Florida. He occasionally sends out a carefully worded press release. But a card ain’t the same. We need his mealy mouth. There’s been too much respect for the men in pinstripes than disgust at the so-called Evil Empire. These polite times seemed destined to last 79 years as the quaint Steve Swindal, George’s son-in-law, was being groomed to take over the team. But luckily Swindal was kicked out of the bedroom and board room. Daddy wasn’t letting an ex-in-law swing his bat. Son Hank became the new face and voice of the Bronx. Hank has already mocked Redsox Nation, Jonathan Papelbon, Joe Torre and A-Rod. He jackhammered concrete on a Sunday to remove an Ortiz shirt from the new Yankee Stadium. He’s great theater. He’s got a face that makes you feel proud flashing the bird at his luxury box. Here’s hoping he makes 2008 a crotch grabber. Hank reminds us that you can’t spell Yankees without a few of the letters used in A-holes.
CELEBRATE CHILD ABUSE
This year the Independent Spirit Awards bestowed their “Someone to Watch” trophy on Ramin Bahrani for his Chop Shop. The film is about a 12 year old boy in Queens working in the auto business. Bahrani is a filmmaker to watch - if you’re an agent of New York’s Child Protective Services.
A recent interview to promote Chop Shop sounds like it should be police testimony instead of an article in New York Magazine (nymag.com/movies/features/44209/index1.html).
“When Bahrani noticed that Polanco had a habit of holding his hands near his chest, he would slap his arms and yell, “Fag! Pussy! You look like a fag!” When Polanco couldn’t quite get angry enough for one audition, Bahrani broke a clipboard and screamed in his face, “You fucking pussy, do something!”
Who does this crap to an actor during an audition? What child actor gets slapped on the set by a grown man? And what parent allows this to be done to their child? Bahrani also took pleasure in letting his actors abuse each other for the sake of getting that shot.
“At 9, Alejandro witnessed a murder in a bodega on his street—one night filming, sirens went off and he was freaking out, and I remembered that,” says Bahrani, whose scene called for Alejandro’s character to discover his sister having sex in a car with a strange man. “I gave the guy a fake gun. I said, ‘Hold this to Izzy’s head.’ The moment comes, Alejandro saw that gun, and he freaked out—he attacked that motherfucker, cut his nose, ripped his shirt. And that’s the take I used. Now, tell me: Is that fiction or documentary?”
Perhaps we should ask Dr. Josef Mengele if his experiments were science or torture? This is the attitude you’d get from the producer of snuff films. The Independent Spirit Awards should be extremely proud for bestowing an honor on an adult who has no problem abusing a child for the sake of his cinematic art. Would any of the Independent Spirit Awards voters allow their children to be treated this way by Bahrani? Would any of these voters sit quietly and watch their kid get slapped and called a “fucking pussy?” This sets the bar high so that the next “filmmaker to watch” will have to execute half of his cast. Maybe Victor Salva will finally get a belated “filmmaker to watch” honor for Clownhouse?
DVD SHELF
Cheers Season 9 has finally arrived. It’s been two years since season 8 came out. Season 9 was the year that Sam Malone regained his bar from the evil corporation. No more ferns in the best little booze joint in Beantown. “Cheers Foul Out” is my favorite of this batch. In order to win a basketball game against a rival bar, Sam suckers Kevin McHale to be a ringer on the Cheers team. The Boston Celtic great looks good and loose while exchanging lines with the cast. There’s also the whole business of Rebecca getting married to her old boss. But what about her feelings toward Sam?
Beverly Hills 90210: The Fourth Season lets the world’s oldest teenagers go to college. Brandon (Jason Priestly) turns out to be a big man on the new campus. Dylan (Luke Perry) is still a little bit troubled. This is best known for being the last full season with Brenda (Shannen Doherty). The Peach Pit gets expanded into a nightclub. Luke and Dylan’s sideburns are still sharp and impressive.
The 4400: The Fourth Season is unfortunately also the final season. In the middle of the writer’s strike, USA network canceled the show. Luckily the final episode of this season works as a finale. We’re not left completely hanging about the future with these people with super powers in control. The nice part about this boxset is plenty of Summer Glau. The wife will watch anything with Summer on the screen. It’s a shame they couldn’t just move this series over to the Sci-Fi channel, but at least it didn’t completely gas out by going a season too far.
Romulus, My Father has Eric Bana trying his best to prove Hollywood hasn’t destroyed his soul. He returns to Australia to take on the heavy role of a dad trying raise his son around his wife’s new boyfriend. Bana’s a cuckolded man. This isn’t quite a return to his master performance of Chopper. Franka Potente (Run Lola Run) doesn’t quite have enough of a devious streak for her wayward wife. This isn’t a happy film. Bana needs to do a project that lets him show his comic chops.
The Adventures of the Young Indiana Jones: Volume Three, The Years of Change arrives just in time for the fourth film. This boxset contains the final batch of TV movies elaborating on the education and experiences of Indiana Jones. There’s plenty of World War I action along with early treasure hunts. Sean Patrick Flanery shines as the young Harrison Ford during these prequels. The bonus features are as entertaining as the films. For folks who aren’t quite sure about the historic characters and events, you’ll get educated fast. Documentaries that accompany “Hollywood Follies” will appeal to fans of early films. “Erich von Stroheim - The Profligate Genius” should have been a bonus feature on Sunset Boulevard. This is a gold standard for how a TV show DVD need to be presented.
Sick Nurses brings a fetish dose of Asian nurses to the world of horror. Turns out a hospital in Thailand is doing evil things with the bodies. The young nurses on staff must pay a harsh deductible to an evil spirit. For those with a fetish for an Asian nurse on the toilet using a pregnancy test wand, you get your dream. It is nice to see that the folks in Thailand are closing the Gore-cinema gap with Japan and South Korea.
THE DAY THE RABBIT DIED
Playboy Magazine is officially a shell of its former self. A pal had a March issue of the mag in his bathroom. Naturally I flipped through it for the articles. Instead of being enlightened with award-winning, incisive journalism, I witnessed the third sign of the Mayan Doomsday (coming on Dec 21, 2012): the prestigious “Playboy Interview” was Chad Kroeger of Nickelback. For decades this long form question and answer was the ultimate tribute to a public figure. This feature gave us Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Jimmy Carter confessed he’d “committed adultery in my heart many times.” Brando, Kubrick, Castro, John Lennon, Bill Gates...Kroeger? Why did the editors of Playboy feel compelled to let the loser from Nickelback blabber about how he could suck himself off? Couldn’t this had just been a regular article if you needed to suck up to the Hootie Nation?
Why has Hugh Hefner forsaken us? Did he dedicate a Playboy Interview to Scott Stapp of Creed? Maybe soon we’ll get the Playboy Interview with Hannah Montana, Spongebob Squarepants or Arby’s Oven Mitt? They’re popular, too.
With this low point in journalism, no intelligent man can ever defend his subscription to Playboy with the “I only get it for the articles” excuse. You really want to admit your need to know that much about Nickelback? Just confess to your kids that you get Playboy for wank material when mom gets moody and won’t put out.
CHARITY NIGHTS
If you’re the promotion night manager of a baseball team in the International League, how about throwing a Dunder Mifflin appreciation night when the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees come to town. Give fans a discounted ticket if they bring a ream of copy paper to the game. Your team can give the paper to a local charity. Whenever the Pawtucket Redsox arrive on the bus, you can host a Peter Griffin lookalike contest. Bonus points can be given to any guy who glues a scrotum onto his chin.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
Why didn’t the reunited Led Zeppelin do a stadium tour of America this summer? At first I was rather skeptical of how they’d come off at their O2 concert in London. They had been so deflating on Live Aid (notice their set is missing from the boxset) and the Atlantic reunion. Plant and Page’s tour was interesting, but so overly augmented with guest musicians that it looked like Sun Ra and his Arkestra minus the flashy hats. Two hours of the surviving three members and the son of the drummer didn’t exactly inspire me to put a second mortgage on the house and hop a Gulfstream to London.
Over the weekend Augie broke out an audience bootleg of the reunion concert. In one of those rare showbiz instances, the hype lived up to the reality. Jimmy Page played like he had taken out a soul equity account with the devil. Robert Plant’s range might not match his vocal performance from the L.A. Forum in 1973, but it still has the swagger. And John Paul Jones brought it all back home when he broke out the keyboards for “No Quarter.” Only thing missing was a 30 minute take of “Moby Dick” since John Bonham’s dead.
It’s easy to understand why Pink Floyd didn’t take to the stadiums after their stellar set at Live 8. Those guys would eventually kill each other on the road. What’s the real reason behind Led Zeppelin not launching the Mothership? Are they waiting for the mint to print up enough cash for the outrageous ticket prices? Nosebleed tickets for the Eagles cost nearly as much as a full gas tank. Led Zep could ask $200 for third level seats at the Staples Center and it’d be a bargain.
THE OTHER WHITE MICK
Even with all the push, I avoided Shine A Light at the IMax theater. Do I need to see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards at 60 feet high with wrinkles that resemble a travelogue of the Grand Canyon? Hearing all the buzz made me hunt down a few BBC live concerts of the Rolling Stones from the early ‘70s. Contrary to what your lame classic rock DJ says, Mick Taylor made that band the greatest live show. His short tenure on guitar is almost airbrushed over as if he was just a session guy who was allowed to stand with the rest of the guys. Taylor was able to pull off amazing blues riffs that wrapped around Keith’s catchy chords. He elevated their game. He wasn’t flashy on the stage, but Taylor brought the wicked to the Satanic Majesties. I’m not going to post any links, you can hit any search engine with the right words to locate these live gems that deserve an official release. I would have seen Shine A Light if Martin Scorcese had been able to talk Mick into joining them on stage for “Midnight Rambler” and “Brown Sugar.” That’s cinema worth 60 feet of screen.
THAT’S MONEY
I’m not repulsed watching the Food Network’s Guy Fieri pimping for TGIFridays. Unlike certain chefs on that channel, the host of Diners, Drives-Ins and Dives appears in his natural environment as he pushes the latest deep fried and grilled concoctions on the striped table.
I’m creeped out by the ads featuring Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton on the sofa talking about climate change. Maybe we wouldn’t have so much hot air in the atmosphere if they didn’t have to talk so much.
Two years ago TBS announced it would stop showing the Braves and carry a package of major league games on Sunday afternoons featuring American and National League teams. It didn’t seem like it would really happen. For three decades TBS and the Braves went together like the clear and the cream on Barry Bonds. This split was crazy talk. But that all changed a few Sundays ago. Catching the Cubs playing the Phillies with the TBS logo was jarring. There was no “home” team. After three decades, the world had changed. The Superstation that gave us Biff Pocoroba was officially off the air.
What really stinks is that my cable box has the Fox regional sports channel that now carries the Braves games. But those games are blacked out because we’re considered Baltimore Orioles’ territory. I want to see how Chipper Jones copes without his brother Andruw. Orioles owner Peter Angelos is an evil man. Why does anyone care about his dumpster diving squad as they battle the Tampa Bay (Devil-less) Rays?
Now that Tampa Bay wants to be called the Rays, shouldn’t they be legally obligated to have at least two guys named Ray on the squad?
The highlight of this baseball season so far is the rise of Hank Steinbrenner. For the last few years, the Yankees front office has been as silent as a mortuary. Reporters have been buffing up their obits for George Steinbrenner and collecting their “I remember the time George.....” columns for that special edition. We haven’t seen the elderly George losing his temper in the owner’s box since he’s been in hiding down in Florida. He occasionally sends out a carefully worded press release. But a card ain’t the same. We need his mealy mouth. There’s been too much respect for the men in pinstripes than disgust at the so-called Evil Empire. These polite times seemed destined to last 79 years as the quaint Steve Swindal, George’s son-in-law, was being groomed to take over the team. But luckily Swindal was kicked out of the bedroom and board room. Daddy wasn’t letting an ex-in-law swing his bat. Son Hank became the new face and voice of the Bronx. Hank has already mocked Redsox Nation, Jonathan Papelbon, Joe Torre and A-Rod. He jackhammered concrete on a Sunday to remove an Ortiz shirt from the new Yankee Stadium. He’s great theater. He’s got a face that makes you feel proud flashing the bird at his luxury box. Here’s hoping he makes 2008 a crotch grabber. Hank reminds us that you can’t spell Yankees without a few of the letters used in A-holes.
CELEBRATE CHILD ABUSE
This year the Independent Spirit Awards bestowed their “Someone to Watch” trophy on Ramin Bahrani for his Chop Shop. The film is about a 12 year old boy in Queens working in the auto business. Bahrani is a filmmaker to watch - if you’re an agent of New York’s Child Protective Services.
A recent interview to promote Chop Shop sounds like it should be police testimony instead of an article in New York Magazine (nymag.com/movies/features/44209/index1.html).
“When Bahrani noticed that Polanco had a habit of holding his hands near his chest, he would slap his arms and yell, “Fag! Pussy! You look like a fag!” When Polanco couldn’t quite get angry enough for one audition, Bahrani broke a clipboard and screamed in his face, “You fucking pussy, do something!”
Who does this crap to an actor during an audition? What child actor gets slapped on the set by a grown man? And what parent allows this to be done to their child? Bahrani also took pleasure in letting his actors abuse each other for the sake of getting that shot.
“At 9, Alejandro witnessed a murder in a bodega on his street—one night filming, sirens went off and he was freaking out, and I remembered that,” says Bahrani, whose scene called for Alejandro’s character to discover his sister having sex in a car with a strange man. “I gave the guy a fake gun. I said, ‘Hold this to Izzy’s head.’ The moment comes, Alejandro saw that gun, and he freaked out—he attacked that motherfucker, cut his nose, ripped his shirt. And that’s the take I used. Now, tell me: Is that fiction or documentary?”
Perhaps we should ask Dr. Josef Mengele if his experiments were science or torture? This is the attitude you’d get from the producer of snuff films. The Independent Spirit Awards should be extremely proud for bestowing an honor on an adult who has no problem abusing a child for the sake of his cinematic art. Would any of the Independent Spirit Awards voters allow their children to be treated this way by Bahrani? Would any of these voters sit quietly and watch their kid get slapped and called a “fucking pussy?” This sets the bar high so that the next “filmmaker to watch” will have to execute half of his cast. Maybe Victor Salva will finally get a belated “filmmaker to watch” honor for Clownhouse?
DVD SHELF
Cheers Season 9 has finally arrived. It’s been two years since season 8 came out. Season 9 was the year that Sam Malone regained his bar from the evil corporation. No more ferns in the best little booze joint in Beantown. “Cheers Foul Out” is my favorite of this batch. In order to win a basketball game against a rival bar, Sam suckers Kevin McHale to be a ringer on the Cheers team. The Boston Celtic great looks good and loose while exchanging lines with the cast. There’s also the whole business of Rebecca getting married to her old boss. But what about her feelings toward Sam?
Beverly Hills 90210: The Fourth Season lets the world’s oldest teenagers go to college. Brandon (Jason Priestly) turns out to be a big man on the new campus. Dylan (Luke Perry) is still a little bit troubled. This is best known for being the last full season with Brenda (Shannen Doherty). The Peach Pit gets expanded into a nightclub. Luke and Dylan’s sideburns are still sharp and impressive.
The 4400: The Fourth Season is unfortunately also the final season. In the middle of the writer’s strike, USA network canceled the show. Luckily the final episode of this season works as a finale. We’re not left completely hanging about the future with these people with super powers in control. The nice part about this boxset is plenty of Summer Glau. The wife will watch anything with Summer on the screen. It’s a shame they couldn’t just move this series over to the Sci-Fi channel, but at least it didn’t completely gas out by going a season too far.
Romulus, My Father has Eric Bana trying his best to prove Hollywood hasn’t destroyed his soul. He returns to Australia to take on the heavy role of a dad trying raise his son around his wife’s new boyfriend. Bana’s a cuckolded man. This isn’t quite a return to his master performance of Chopper. Franka Potente (Run Lola Run) doesn’t quite have enough of a devious streak for her wayward wife. This isn’t a happy film. Bana needs to do a project that lets him show his comic chops.
The Adventures of the Young Indiana Jones: Volume Three, The Years of Change arrives just in time for the fourth film. This boxset contains the final batch of TV movies elaborating on the education and experiences of Indiana Jones. There’s plenty of World War I action along with early treasure hunts. Sean Patrick Flanery shines as the young Harrison Ford during these prequels. The bonus features are as entertaining as the films. For folks who aren’t quite sure about the historic characters and events, you’ll get educated fast. Documentaries that accompany “Hollywood Follies” will appeal to fans of early films. “Erich von Stroheim - The Profligate Genius” should have been a bonus feature on Sunset Boulevard. This is a gold standard for how a TV show DVD need to be presented.
Sick Nurses brings a fetish dose of Asian nurses to the world of horror. Turns out a hospital in Thailand is doing evil things with the bodies. The young nurses on staff must pay a harsh deductible to an evil spirit. For those with a fetish for an Asian nurse on the toilet using a pregnancy test wand, you get your dream. It is nice to see that the folks in Thailand are closing the Gore-cinema gap with Japan and South Korea.
THE DAY THE RABBIT DIED
Playboy Magazine is officially a shell of its former self. A pal had a March issue of the mag in his bathroom. Naturally I flipped through it for the articles. Instead of being enlightened with award-winning, incisive journalism, I witnessed the third sign of the Mayan Doomsday (coming on Dec 21, 2012): the prestigious “Playboy Interview” was Chad Kroeger of Nickelback. For decades this long form question and answer was the ultimate tribute to a public figure. This feature gave us Martin Luther King and Malcolm X. Jimmy Carter confessed he’d “committed adultery in my heart many times.” Brando, Kubrick, Castro, John Lennon, Bill Gates...Kroeger? Why did the editors of Playboy feel compelled to let the loser from Nickelback blabber about how he could suck himself off? Couldn’t this had just been a regular article if you needed to suck up to the Hootie Nation?
Why has Hugh Hefner forsaken us? Did he dedicate a Playboy Interview to Scott Stapp of Creed? Maybe soon we’ll get the Playboy Interview with Hannah Montana, Spongebob Squarepants or Arby’s Oven Mitt? They’re popular, too.
With this low point in journalism, no intelligent man can ever defend his subscription to Playboy with the “I only get it for the articles” excuse. You really want to admit your need to know that much about Nickelback? Just confess to your kids that you get Playboy for wank material when mom gets moody and won’t put out.
CHARITY NIGHTS
If you’re the promotion night manager of a baseball team in the International League, how about throwing a Dunder Mifflin appreciation night when the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees come to town. Give fans a discounted ticket if they bring a ream of copy paper to the game. Your team can give the paper to a local charity. Whenever the Pawtucket Redsox arrive on the bus, you can host a Peter Griffin lookalike contest. Bonus points can be given to any guy who glues a scrotum onto his chin.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
Why didn’t the reunited Led Zeppelin do a stadium tour of America this summer? At first I was rather skeptical of how they’d come off at their O2 concert in London. They had been so deflating on Live Aid (notice their set is missing from the boxset) and the Atlantic reunion. Plant and Page’s tour was interesting, but so overly augmented with guest musicians that it looked like Sun Ra and his Arkestra minus the flashy hats. Two hours of the surviving three members and the son of the drummer didn’t exactly inspire me to put a second mortgage on the house and hop a Gulfstream to London.
Over the weekend Augie broke out an audience bootleg of the reunion concert. In one of those rare showbiz instances, the hype lived up to the reality. Jimmy Page played like he had taken out a soul equity account with the devil. Robert Plant’s range might not match his vocal performance from the L.A. Forum in 1973, but it still has the swagger. And John Paul Jones brought it all back home when he broke out the keyboards for “No Quarter.” Only thing missing was a 30 minute take of “Moby Dick” since John Bonham’s dead.
It’s easy to understand why Pink Floyd didn’t take to the stadiums after their stellar set at Live 8. Those guys would eventually kill each other on the road. What’s the real reason behind Led Zeppelin not launching the Mothership? Are they waiting for the mint to print up enough cash for the outrageous ticket prices? Nosebleed tickets for the Eagles cost nearly as much as a full gas tank. Led Zep could ask $200 for third level seats at the Staples Center and it’d be a bargain.
THE OTHER WHITE MICK
Even with all the push, I avoided Shine A Light at the IMax theater. Do I need to see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards at 60 feet high with wrinkles that resemble a travelogue of the Grand Canyon? Hearing all the buzz made me hunt down a few BBC live concerts of the Rolling Stones from the early ‘70s. Contrary to what your lame classic rock DJ says, Mick Taylor made that band the greatest live show. His short tenure on guitar is almost airbrushed over as if he was just a session guy who was allowed to stand with the rest of the guys. Taylor was able to pull off amazing blues riffs that wrapped around Keith’s catchy chords. He elevated their game. He wasn’t flashy on the stage, but Taylor brought the wicked to the Satanic Majesties. I’m not going to post any links, you can hit any search engine with the right words to locate these live gems that deserve an official release. I would have seen Shine A Light if Martin Scorcese had been able to talk Mick into joining them on stage for “Midnight Rambler” and “Brown Sugar.” That’s cinema worth 60 feet of screen.
THAT’S MONEY
I’m not repulsed watching the Food Network’s Guy Fieri pimping for TGIFridays. Unlike certain chefs on that channel, the host of Diners, Drives-Ins and Dives appears in his natural environment as he pushes the latest deep fried and grilled concoctions on the striped table.
I’m creeped out by the ads featuring Pat Robertson and Al Sharpton on the sofa talking about climate change. Maybe we wouldn’t have so much hot air in the atmosphere if they didn’t have to talk so much.
Party Favors for April 16
DURHAM - After months of drought in this area, the clouds finally opened up and poured the entire weekend of the Full Frame Documentary Film Festival. The rain made for perfect weather to take refuge inside a movie theater all day and watch the truth on the big screen.
The big films this year included Trouble the Water, Up the Yangtze and Man on a Wire. There was plenty of water inside and outside the Carolina Theater. Trouble the Water has home video shot of the New Orleans disaster as it happened. Kimberly and Scott Roberts show us exactly what went down in the Big Easy when the levees failed. Up the Yangtze also dealt with flooding, but this time it’s a damn project that will dam the Chinese river. Over two million people will be displaced. The footage is stunning and sad knowing soon it’ll all be gone in the name of making more cheap plastic stuff for Wal-Mart. Man on a Wire also deals with a place that’s gone. In 1974, Philippe Petit balanced for nearly an hour on a wire between the World Trade Center Towers. The film lets us know how this amazing stunt was pulled off. This is a powerful and entertaining trio of films that should be coming to a major city or college near you.
I was asked not to publish reviews of Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and Glass: a portrait of Philip in twelve parts. So I won’t. It’s not like I’m holding back the secret of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Meth. Good Ol’ Charles Schulz was the same version that ran on PBS. The Schulz family really hates the film and there was a rumor that they wanted to stop the screening.
Werner Herzog destroyed the myth of Germans being sticklers for quality control. He didn’t show up to introduce his Encounters at the End of the World. This turned out to be a good thing since the screening was a nightmare. A few minutes into the film, the HD image started to ghost. The problems grew to the digital image flaking and freezing up. The audio didn’t have any issues. But it became a burden to watch since constantly the beautiful shots of Antarctica’s underwater life went to hell. A small note to people who ship out their movies on cutting-edge technology: Send a back up copy. If Werner had included a DVD version of the film, all this could have been prevented. Sure it wouldn’t have been as pretty, but it would have been as frustrating an experience. Encounters was so rich as it showed what type of people spend their time at the South Pole. Herzog’s humor comes out as he deals with volcanos and penguins. I’ll be rewatching Encounters when it comes on Discover Channel HD. Shame Werner wasn’t in the theater cause I would have loved to see him go nuts in person.
The true delight of the festival was Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story. Director Jeffrey Schwarz and his crew capture the legacy of one of cinema’s great showmen. Castle directed horror films such as Macabre, House on Haunted Hill, The Tingler, Thirteen Ghosts and Homicidal, but his ultimate genius was in the gimmicks he created to put butts in the seats. For Macabre he insured all the viewers for $1,000 if anyone dies of fright. House on Haunted Hill had Emergo - better than 3-D! And The Tingler had Perceptor! During the ‘50s America’s youth went nuts for monsters with the Shock! movie package bringing Frankenstein and Dracula to TVs. Castle gave the kids a reason to flock to the movie theater to get their cinematic thrills and chills.
Spine Tingler! gives us the directors that admired Castle including John Waters, John Landis and Joe Dante singing his praises. There’s plenty of vintage footage to take us back to that time when a man wanted to do more than ship a film to the theater. Castle looked thrilled to be around people flocking to see his films. While a lot of showbiz documentaries turn into depressing tales of downward excess, this movie is uplifting. Castle never directed a scary Monsterpiece, but he produced Rosemary’s Baby. He also lived for more than his movies. His family was extremely important to him and it shows as his daughters talk about him.
A lot of people talk about the importance of seeing movies in theaters with an audience. Castle came up with amazing ways to make it a special event to see his films. After the documentary, the Full Frame folks ran a 35mm print of The Tingler. While they didn’t wire up Perceptor to the streets, Skip and Germaine from AVGeeks tossed stuffed Tinglers into the audience during the black out moment. Everyone had fun screaming along with the action.
Schwarz said there’s no DVD in the works for Spine Tingler! If you want to know if the documentary is coming to you area for a festival screening, visit www.spinetinglermovie.com.
HOW’S BUSINESS
The highlight of Full Frame is the annual State of the Doc panel. Instead of having critics or filmmakers speculate, the roundtable group consisted of distributors who know what’s selling tickets. After several boom years with hits like Mad Hot Ballroom and Winged Migration, the documentary box office has taken a hit.
Last year distributors had high hopes for In the Shadow of the Moon, Crazy Love and My Kid Can Paint That. None of the trio made March of the Penguins coin. What’s worse is that there are now twice as many documentaries receiving theatrical releases than at the start of the 21st century. The market is overwhelmed. The outlook for the moment is that theatrical release is merely a way to get a higher profile for the DVD release rather than a profit generating machine.
Tom Quinn of Magnolia Films spoke of how Cocaine Cowboys was a flop theatrically by barely pulling in $60,000. But it’s moved more than 100,000 DVDs. Plus it was a major hit on XBox Video On Demand. This has allowed the company to produce Cocaine Cowboys 2. Quinn promises more in the series if the response continues. The title appeals to the fans of Miami Vice, Scarface and Grand Theft Auto.
Greg Kendall of Balcony recounted how King Corn’s producers were selling the DVDs while the film was in the theaters. This allowed people across the country that weren’t near the theaters to see the film after reading the big city reviews. They also did brisk business renting the film for small group non-theatrical screenings. He mentioned how people wanted to set up private screenings rather than have their group wander over to the nearby art house running the documentary. There are plenty of people concerned about how corn has overtaken our diet and economy.
The ability for people to watch full length films on the internet has helped small films reach more eyeballs. Thomas Zadra of Red Envelope, Netflix’s DVD company, sees film fans enjoying this new delivery system. He stated that DVDs of Helvetica, the font documentary, has been been sent out to 60,000 subscribers and that 60,000 subscribers have clicked Watch Now. The sad news for traditional Mac users is that the Watch Now function is nowhere in sight. Damn you, Steve Jobs! While Zadra won’t say anything, it does sound like Jobs is restricting Safari to keep it iTunes turf.
For those thinking of getting into the documentary world, the panel’s simple tips were: Take plenty of hi-res stills for the publicity kit. Make sure you can afford to license the music on your soundtrack. Shoot in True HD because that’s what the cable channels want. When you send your documentary to people, put your name and phone number on the actual DVD disc.
The big thing that came from the talk was that the lessons of William Castle must be put to use. Be special when marketing your specialized film. For the first weekend, you might want to be at the screening. Make the audience know there’s a reason they must come out that weekend and not put off coming down to the cinema. Your film can be yanked after a few empty seat screenings. And don’t dream you’ll be making Michael Moore cash off your film. Be realistic about your subject, budget and box office unless you have tons of penguins in the film.
WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
While hanging outside Full Frame in the plaza, I spot a husky guy in an expensive suit with bright almost white hair. “What’s Ric Flair doing at a documentary film festival?” As the guy gets closer and I get excited at meeting the Nature Boy one more time, I realize it’s actually Phil Donahue. Was I disappointed. Even worse was he didn’t have Marlo Thomas with him. I was hoping to ask for her memories of the Impeccable Hair of Ted Bessell. Phil was at the Festival to promote his movie Body of War.
DVD SHELF
Now the actors are going to go on strike? No!!! There’s no reason to give up watching DVDs since this “new season” will only last a few weeks.
Cloverfield is like Godzilla attacking the set of Gossip Girl. We’re watching home video footage of a Manhattan party full of vapid kids when out of nowhere a giant monster rampages across the city. It’s an interesting twist on the Giant Monster on the rampage movie since we don’t cut all over the city to show to cover the action. The attack is more intimate when seen through camcorder’s lens. It’s just kids trying to survive the disaster. The little monsters in Cloverfield are especially creepy. You’ll enjoy getting to freeze frame and slo-mo the monster scenes.
Matlock: The First Season means my Uncle Bill will no longer have to worry about when his favorite lawyer is on TV as he travels around the globe. Matlock allowed Andy Griffith to be a Southern lawyer for nine seasons. This first season sets up his law firm. Unlike Sheriff Andy Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show, Matlock doesn’t work for cheap. He also has a lawyer daughter (Lori Lethin) to help him on the cases. His main private investigator (Kene Holliday) brought youth to the show as he hustled for clues and cash. He adds a little comic relief, but he’s no bumbling Barney Fife. The two part episode “The Don” has Griffith tangle with William Conrad. It’s Cannon vs. Matlock! When I visited retirement communities, Matlock was always on TV. This is the perfect gift for the AARP member in your life.
Perry Mason: 50th Anniversary Edition is a sampler of special episodes along with plenty of bonus features. There’s nothing from Seasons 1 & 2 so dedicated fans of the legal mastermind won’t be double dipping. The special guests in the episodes include Burt Reynolds, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Redford, Bette Davis and Adam West. The bonus features include the original screen tests. Thrill to the sight of Raymond Burr playing D.A. Hamilton Burger. They also have William Hopper auditioning to be Perry Mason. What a different show this could have been. They also have the comeback movie of the week Perry Mason Returns. The biggest shocker is a 22 year old interview Burr did with Charlie Rose to promote the show. Charlie Rose doesn’t age. The entire cast ends up on Stump the Stars. For those who’ve enjoyed the first two seasons on DVD, this is a treasure chest of bonuses.
Melrose Place: Season 4 opens when Marcia Cross blew up the apartment complex. The strange thing is that in the aftermath of this disaster, she moves into the rebuilt place. But who watched Melrose Place for logic? This was the fourth of seven seasons so the insanity just keeps on coming over the 32 episodes packed in the boxset.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch: The Complete Animated Series is not the animated version of the Melissa Joan Hart series. This is the original comic book version of Sabrina that was part of The Archies universe. I remember a TV minister’s nasty rant about how Archies comics were a gateway to Satanism because of Sabrina. Did anyone get the urge from watching Jugghead to sacrifice goats? The Sabrina episodes are cute with her secretly using her magic to solve problems. The Groovie Goolies is already out on DVD in case you want to double feature them like CBS did on Saturday mornings in 1970.
Laverne and Shirley: The Fourth Season brings more fun from America’s favorite brewery workers. Laverne and Shirley are still living in the basement. They still hang around the Pizza Bowl. As a man, I watch this series for the golden moments from Lenny and Squiggy. How come these two guys didn’t get more action from the ladies? They had real jobs and cool jackets. The freakish episode of the season is “The Feminine Mistake” with Laverne having the hots for a co-worker played by Jay Leno. This explains why Leno pursued the Tonight Show instead of Oscar glory. Leno’s chin is in prime form with his supporting Elvis sized sideburns.
Surviving Motherhood: Your Guide to Being a Mom is the perfect gift if you’ve discovered that way too many of your friends are knocked up. Over the course of 13 episodes, your expectant parent pals can understand that they’re going to turn into nutcases. Sleep deprivation and lack of adult time is clearly covered in this series.
What Not to Wear: Mom Makeovers Clinton Kelly and Stacy London perform missionary work in the world of stretch pants and sweatshirts. Can these frumpy moms get a wardrobe makeover that will make their children proud? Or at least have their kids’ friends utter the MILF line?
Meerkat Manor: Season Two avoids the sophomore navel gazing found in a majority of reality shows. The Meerkats don’t reflect of their newfound fame. They’re the same frisky critters living Kalahari Desert. They’re not partying with Brody Jenner or getting tattoos on L.A. Ink. They’re just Meerkats doing their best to survive. It’s more real than The Hills.
Growing Up Wildcats has nothing to do with kids in Kentucky. It’s a four part series about how lions, tigers, cheetahs and black leopards mature. They are so cute when they are cubs. These are a lot more involved than those old 16mm educational films they’d project in third grade.
FROM WOODSTOCK TO PUMPS
Anyone else shocked at seeing Carlos Santana pimping his line of women’s shoes at Macys? Who knew that the man who rocked the world with “Black Magic Woman” secretly aspired to be Ed Bundy? What’s next from the dinosaurs of rock? Brian Wilson’s discount mattresses? Keith Richards’ blood thinner? Shane MacGowan’s teeth whitening strips? Mike Love’s douchebag? Fred Durst’s ball waxing kit? Kevin Federline’s condoms?
HIRING MORONS
What part of Gordon Ramsay’s contract with Fox had him surrender his integrity? The new season of Hell’s Kitchen is barely a few episodes old and it’s a disasterpiece. Are we really supposed to believe any of these people are deserving of being an Executive Chef at Ramsay’s latest restaurant? I wouldn’t let these people work a nacho stand at a cock fight. They’ve had two dinner services that completely fell apart.
I can find 15 interesting people in the restaurant business that can make Beef Wellington and risotto in their sleep. These people are pathetic on a Jessica Simpson level. Why would you want to eat at a restaurant knowing these spastic fools are supposedly running the kitchen? Is Ramsay setting up a pigeon for the new season of Kitchen Nightmares? The winner should be given a gift certificate to Pizza Hut and told to never go inside a working kitchen.
If any of these people showed up at Ramsay’s office looking for a job, would he have hired them to clean toilets or peel potatoes? None of these people deserve this lofty prize.
WHY SO GREY?
Over the last few years I’ve noticed video companies and Netflix have gone with grey paint on their DVD discs instead of full color artwork. Thomas Zadra of Red Envelope said that the grey DVDs have a lower breakage rate at Netflix. So now you know.
RUPES HATES KATIE
Why is Rupert Murdoch going out of his way to make life hard on Katie Couric? First he has his new toy, the Wall Street Journal write a rumor filled article about how CBS is ready to oust her. Then he gets the talking heads at Fox News to keep repeating this article with the Wall Street Journal as their sole source since Fox News doesn’t like to gather real facts cause reporters cost money. What did Katie do so wrong to Rupes? Was he upset when she didn’t poke his colon at a fundraiser?
The big films this year included Trouble the Water, Up the Yangtze and Man on a Wire. There was plenty of water inside and outside the Carolina Theater. Trouble the Water has home video shot of the New Orleans disaster as it happened. Kimberly and Scott Roberts show us exactly what went down in the Big Easy when the levees failed. Up the Yangtze also dealt with flooding, but this time it’s a damn project that will dam the Chinese river. Over two million people will be displaced. The footage is stunning and sad knowing soon it’ll all be gone in the name of making more cheap plastic stuff for Wal-Mart. Man on a Wire also deals with a place that’s gone. In 1974, Philippe Petit balanced for nearly an hour on a wire between the World Trade Center Towers. The film lets us know how this amazing stunt was pulled off. This is a powerful and entertaining trio of films that should be coming to a major city or college near you.
I was asked not to publish reviews of Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson and Glass: a portrait of Philip in twelve parts. So I won’t. It’s not like I’m holding back the secret of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Meth. Good Ol’ Charles Schulz was the same version that ran on PBS. The Schulz family really hates the film and there was a rumor that they wanted to stop the screening.
Werner Herzog destroyed the myth of Germans being sticklers for quality control. He didn’t show up to introduce his Encounters at the End of the World. This turned out to be a good thing since the screening was a nightmare. A few minutes into the film, the HD image started to ghost. The problems grew to the digital image flaking and freezing up. The audio didn’t have any issues. But it became a burden to watch since constantly the beautiful shots of Antarctica’s underwater life went to hell. A small note to people who ship out their movies on cutting-edge technology: Send a back up copy. If Werner had included a DVD version of the film, all this could have been prevented. Sure it wouldn’t have been as pretty, but it would have been as frustrating an experience. Encounters was so rich as it showed what type of people spend their time at the South Pole. Herzog’s humor comes out as he deals with volcanos and penguins. I’ll be rewatching Encounters when it comes on Discover Channel HD. Shame Werner wasn’t in the theater cause I would have loved to see him go nuts in person.
The true delight of the festival was Spine Tingler! The William Castle Story. Director Jeffrey Schwarz and his crew capture the legacy of one of cinema’s great showmen. Castle directed horror films such as Macabre, House on Haunted Hill, The Tingler, Thirteen Ghosts and Homicidal, but his ultimate genius was in the gimmicks he created to put butts in the seats. For Macabre he insured all the viewers for $1,000 if anyone dies of fright. House on Haunted Hill had Emergo - better than 3-D! And The Tingler had Perceptor! During the ‘50s America’s youth went nuts for monsters with the Shock! movie package bringing Frankenstein and Dracula to TVs. Castle gave the kids a reason to flock to the movie theater to get their cinematic thrills and chills.
Spine Tingler! gives us the directors that admired Castle including John Waters, John Landis and Joe Dante singing his praises. There’s plenty of vintage footage to take us back to that time when a man wanted to do more than ship a film to the theater. Castle looked thrilled to be around people flocking to see his films. While a lot of showbiz documentaries turn into depressing tales of downward excess, this movie is uplifting. Castle never directed a scary Monsterpiece, but he produced Rosemary’s Baby. He also lived for more than his movies. His family was extremely important to him and it shows as his daughters talk about him.
A lot of people talk about the importance of seeing movies in theaters with an audience. Castle came up with amazing ways to make it a special event to see his films. After the documentary, the Full Frame folks ran a 35mm print of The Tingler. While they didn’t wire up Perceptor to the streets, Skip and Germaine from AVGeeks tossed stuffed Tinglers into the audience during the black out moment. Everyone had fun screaming along with the action.
Schwarz said there’s no DVD in the works for Spine Tingler! If you want to know if the documentary is coming to you area for a festival screening, visit www.spinetinglermovie.com.
HOW’S BUSINESS
The highlight of Full Frame is the annual State of the Doc panel. Instead of having critics or filmmakers speculate, the roundtable group consisted of distributors who know what’s selling tickets. After several boom years with hits like Mad Hot Ballroom and Winged Migration, the documentary box office has taken a hit.
Last year distributors had high hopes for In the Shadow of the Moon, Crazy Love and My Kid Can Paint That. None of the trio made March of the Penguins coin. What’s worse is that there are now twice as many documentaries receiving theatrical releases than at the start of the 21st century. The market is overwhelmed. The outlook for the moment is that theatrical release is merely a way to get a higher profile for the DVD release rather than a profit generating machine.
Tom Quinn of Magnolia Films spoke of how Cocaine Cowboys was a flop theatrically by barely pulling in $60,000. But it’s moved more than 100,000 DVDs. Plus it was a major hit on XBox Video On Demand. This has allowed the company to produce Cocaine Cowboys 2. Quinn promises more in the series if the response continues. The title appeals to the fans of Miami Vice, Scarface and Grand Theft Auto.
Greg Kendall of Balcony recounted how King Corn’s producers were selling the DVDs while the film was in the theaters. This allowed people across the country that weren’t near the theaters to see the film after reading the big city reviews. They also did brisk business renting the film for small group non-theatrical screenings. He mentioned how people wanted to set up private screenings rather than have their group wander over to the nearby art house running the documentary. There are plenty of people concerned about how corn has overtaken our diet and economy.
The ability for people to watch full length films on the internet has helped small films reach more eyeballs. Thomas Zadra of Red Envelope, Netflix’s DVD company, sees film fans enjoying this new delivery system. He stated that DVDs of Helvetica, the font documentary, has been been sent out to 60,000 subscribers and that 60,000 subscribers have clicked Watch Now. The sad news for traditional Mac users is that the Watch Now function is nowhere in sight. Damn you, Steve Jobs! While Zadra won’t say anything, it does sound like Jobs is restricting Safari to keep it iTunes turf.
For those thinking of getting into the documentary world, the panel’s simple tips were: Take plenty of hi-res stills for the publicity kit. Make sure you can afford to license the music on your soundtrack. Shoot in True HD because that’s what the cable channels want. When you send your documentary to people, put your name and phone number on the actual DVD disc.
The big thing that came from the talk was that the lessons of William Castle must be put to use. Be special when marketing your specialized film. For the first weekend, you might want to be at the screening. Make the audience know there’s a reason they must come out that weekend and not put off coming down to the cinema. Your film can be yanked after a few empty seat screenings. And don’t dream you’ll be making Michael Moore cash off your film. Be realistic about your subject, budget and box office unless you have tons of penguins in the film.
WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
While hanging outside Full Frame in the plaza, I spot a husky guy in an expensive suit with bright almost white hair. “What’s Ric Flair doing at a documentary film festival?” As the guy gets closer and I get excited at meeting the Nature Boy one more time, I realize it’s actually Phil Donahue. Was I disappointed. Even worse was he didn’t have Marlo Thomas with him. I was hoping to ask for her memories of the Impeccable Hair of Ted Bessell. Phil was at the Festival to promote his movie Body of War.
DVD SHELF
Now the actors are going to go on strike? No!!! There’s no reason to give up watching DVDs since this “new season” will only last a few weeks.
Cloverfield is like Godzilla attacking the set of Gossip Girl. We’re watching home video footage of a Manhattan party full of vapid kids when out of nowhere a giant monster rampages across the city. It’s an interesting twist on the Giant Monster on the rampage movie since we don’t cut all over the city to show to cover the action. The attack is more intimate when seen through camcorder’s lens. It’s just kids trying to survive the disaster. The little monsters in Cloverfield are especially creepy. You’ll enjoy getting to freeze frame and slo-mo the monster scenes.
Matlock: The First Season means my Uncle Bill will no longer have to worry about when his favorite lawyer is on TV as he travels around the globe. Matlock allowed Andy Griffith to be a Southern lawyer for nine seasons. This first season sets up his law firm. Unlike Sheriff Andy Taylor on The Andy Griffith Show, Matlock doesn’t work for cheap. He also has a lawyer daughter (Lori Lethin) to help him on the cases. His main private investigator (Kene Holliday) brought youth to the show as he hustled for clues and cash. He adds a little comic relief, but he’s no bumbling Barney Fife. The two part episode “The Don” has Griffith tangle with William Conrad. It’s Cannon vs. Matlock! When I visited retirement communities, Matlock was always on TV. This is the perfect gift for the AARP member in your life.
Perry Mason: 50th Anniversary Edition is a sampler of special episodes along with plenty of bonus features. There’s nothing from Seasons 1 & 2 so dedicated fans of the legal mastermind won’t be double dipping. The special guests in the episodes include Burt Reynolds, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Redford, Bette Davis and Adam West. The bonus features include the original screen tests. Thrill to the sight of Raymond Burr playing D.A. Hamilton Burger. They also have William Hopper auditioning to be Perry Mason. What a different show this could have been. They also have the comeback movie of the week Perry Mason Returns. The biggest shocker is a 22 year old interview Burr did with Charlie Rose to promote the show. Charlie Rose doesn’t age. The entire cast ends up on Stump the Stars. For those who’ve enjoyed the first two seasons on DVD, this is a treasure chest of bonuses.
Melrose Place: Season 4 opens when Marcia Cross blew up the apartment complex. The strange thing is that in the aftermath of this disaster, she moves into the rebuilt place. But who watched Melrose Place for logic? This was the fourth of seven seasons so the insanity just keeps on coming over the 32 episodes packed in the boxset.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch: The Complete Animated Series is not the animated version of the Melissa Joan Hart series. This is the original comic book version of Sabrina that was part of The Archies universe. I remember a TV minister’s nasty rant about how Archies comics were a gateway to Satanism because of Sabrina. Did anyone get the urge from watching Jugghead to sacrifice goats? The Sabrina episodes are cute with her secretly using her magic to solve problems. The Groovie Goolies is already out on DVD in case you want to double feature them like CBS did on Saturday mornings in 1970.
Laverne and Shirley: The Fourth Season brings more fun from America’s favorite brewery workers. Laverne and Shirley are still living in the basement. They still hang around the Pizza Bowl. As a man, I watch this series for the golden moments from Lenny and Squiggy. How come these two guys didn’t get more action from the ladies? They had real jobs and cool jackets. The freakish episode of the season is “The Feminine Mistake” with Laverne having the hots for a co-worker played by Jay Leno. This explains why Leno pursued the Tonight Show instead of Oscar glory. Leno’s chin is in prime form with his supporting Elvis sized sideburns.
Surviving Motherhood: Your Guide to Being a Mom is the perfect gift if you’ve discovered that way too many of your friends are knocked up. Over the course of 13 episodes, your expectant parent pals can understand that they’re going to turn into nutcases. Sleep deprivation and lack of adult time is clearly covered in this series.
What Not to Wear: Mom Makeovers Clinton Kelly and Stacy London perform missionary work in the world of stretch pants and sweatshirts. Can these frumpy moms get a wardrobe makeover that will make their children proud? Or at least have their kids’ friends utter the MILF line?
Meerkat Manor: Season Two avoids the sophomore navel gazing found in a majority of reality shows. The Meerkats don’t reflect of their newfound fame. They’re the same frisky critters living Kalahari Desert. They’re not partying with Brody Jenner or getting tattoos on L.A. Ink. They’re just Meerkats doing their best to survive. It’s more real than The Hills.
Growing Up Wildcats has nothing to do with kids in Kentucky. It’s a four part series about how lions, tigers, cheetahs and black leopards mature. They are so cute when they are cubs. These are a lot more involved than those old 16mm educational films they’d project in third grade.
FROM WOODSTOCK TO PUMPS
Anyone else shocked at seeing Carlos Santana pimping his line of women’s shoes at Macys? Who knew that the man who rocked the world with “Black Magic Woman” secretly aspired to be Ed Bundy? What’s next from the dinosaurs of rock? Brian Wilson’s discount mattresses? Keith Richards’ blood thinner? Shane MacGowan’s teeth whitening strips? Mike Love’s douchebag? Fred Durst’s ball waxing kit? Kevin Federline’s condoms?
HIRING MORONS
What part of Gordon Ramsay’s contract with Fox had him surrender his integrity? The new season of Hell’s Kitchen is barely a few episodes old and it’s a disasterpiece. Are we really supposed to believe any of these people are deserving of being an Executive Chef at Ramsay’s latest restaurant? I wouldn’t let these people work a nacho stand at a cock fight. They’ve had two dinner services that completely fell apart.
I can find 15 interesting people in the restaurant business that can make Beef Wellington and risotto in their sleep. These people are pathetic on a Jessica Simpson level. Why would you want to eat at a restaurant knowing these spastic fools are supposedly running the kitchen? Is Ramsay setting up a pigeon for the new season of Kitchen Nightmares? The winner should be given a gift certificate to Pizza Hut and told to never go inside a working kitchen.
If any of these people showed up at Ramsay’s office looking for a job, would he have hired them to clean toilets or peel potatoes? None of these people deserve this lofty prize.
WHY SO GREY?
Over the last few years I’ve noticed video companies and Netflix have gone with grey paint on their DVD discs instead of full color artwork. Thomas Zadra of Red Envelope said that the grey DVDs have a lower breakage rate at Netflix. So now you know.
RUPES HATES KATIE
Why is Rupert Murdoch going out of his way to make life hard on Katie Couric? First he has his new toy, the Wall Street Journal write a rumor filled article about how CBS is ready to oust her. Then he gets the talking heads at Fox News to keep repeating this article with the Wall Street Journal as their sole source since Fox News doesn’t like to gather real facts cause reporters cost money. What did Katie do so wrong to Rupes? Was he upset when she didn’t poke his colon at a fundraiser?
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